she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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