dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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