We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
