i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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