oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
