please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Please don't give away my fajitas
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
