Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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