If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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