I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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