Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
