First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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