Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
