I'm going to jail i love you
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
