Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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