Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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