I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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