So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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