something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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