I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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