I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
