I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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