wakey wakey hands off snakey
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
