Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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