My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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