Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
