can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize