The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
