ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I need moral support for this bender
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
