Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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