Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
