I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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