I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
