Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
