God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
