I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
