I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
