my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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