The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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