if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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