I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
