Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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