He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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