EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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