My friends, they love my intelligence
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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