Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I stole a fireplace last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
