Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
