Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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