but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
