It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
