The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
