somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
