mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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