Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
