I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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