ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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