SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
