he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
