i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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