I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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