I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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